Changes are Changing Me

Hey. I'm back.

Been a long time...a real long time...

Y'know, It's a good time to start letting some stuff out.  If I can get back into blogging, I know it will facilitate some much needed emotional and spiritual growth.

Lots of life lessons are being thrown at me these days.  I want to say I'm learning from them, but I know most of the time I go right on doing the things I've been doing the exact same way.  Treating people the same way...acting the same way...making the same decisions.  I reckon at least now I recognize that changes need to be made.

I'm 34 years old.  Thirty-four.  Wow.  I already feel like I'm staring down 40.  When I get there, I want to be able to look back and say, damn!  Those were the best years of my LIFE, and look what I still have in front of me.  So how many people out there in the world say that, at every point in their lives.  We all say that we want to make these positive changes so that we can one day feel like we've accomplished something.  The thing is, how do you get there?

I don't want to turn this outpouring of my feelings into pithy platitudes that I heard at some Wayne Dyer seminar.  And yeah, I actually went once.  He played this cd of whales hollerin' out while this chick sang Amazing Grace or something.  We were all s'posed to "get connected."  I'm not knocking that stuff.  I love it.  Eat it up.  Meditation.  Breathing exercises.  Yoga.  Mantras.  Reading spiritual guidance books.  But when you turn the page...when you put the book down...when the chanting stops...suddenly there it is.  The rawness of the world (sue me if that's not in the dictionary).  But to me that's it.  Everything is raw.  And jagged.  It's at that point that I want to feel that change.  That I need all those techniques to help me deal.  That's when I have to apply those changes I so desperately need to work on.

I'm starting now so I can achieve that.  Ok ok, it's not like I'm gonna throw my computer down, flip on the light, jump out of bed and start vacuuming or something.  I just want to start doing what's right.  I mean, I'm not a total shithead...I do a lot of good things.  But I wanna do more.  Do what I do better.  Like ironing!  I'm super good at that.  And no I won't; you can take yours to the cleaners because I've got enough of my own.  But no, for real, I want to actually think about someone else for once, instead of me me me.  And I know the process will be painful, but that's ok (Well, I say that now, but I'm sure there's gonna be a lotta crying and gnashing of teeth.  I'll have to invest in one of those jaw guards.)  I can also sorta immerse myself in this self-discovery process.  I don't want to be thinking about getting to some point and saying I'm done.  Saying yeah, here I am, all grown up.

God, I sit here and see what I'm saying...It seems sorta contrived.  Just a bombastic lesson in disguise, straight from a Franklin Covey program.  But ya know, I guess we all just do the best we can with what we have.  And what I have now that I didn't have in the past is a small, tiny bit of self awareness.  Just a little insight as to who I am and who I want to become.  So the best I can do is just take it a little at a time.  I want to just focus on each day...just do the

NEXT.
RIGHT.
THING.

Here I am.  Such an environmentalist at heart.  But for some reason I swear I'm actually putting effort into trashing my side of the street.  Problem is, that's the one place that's the hardest to clean up.  It'd be nice if I could hire someone to do it for me, but it's my mess...I gotta fix it.

I'm facing some things right now that are "problems of my own making."  I've gotta do what I can to fix what I've done, to the best of my ability and then just sail on.  Leave that shit in my wake.

If you read this far (I'm a motormouth), lemme give you some daily motivation...Maybe getcha going today.

Who sets your limits?  How far will you go in this life?  Who will you affect?  Whose life will you change by being here on this earth?  Yeah this is a cool vid...makes me wanna jump up and go biking.  But you don't have to be an athlete to go big.  Just be there for someone.  Just give.  At least, that's what I'm shootin' for.